Vampire's Burnout
I discovered today that the reason for my writing death, for my despair and anger all boils down to writer's burnout.
I never contemplated that that might be why I am feeling as I am. In the past I had burnout from work, I suffered for years from depression, I had anxiety, panic attacks and suicidal thoughts and inclinations. A whole mixed bag of emotional disturbance, but I didn't think I would get burned out by writing. I love writing.
It was four and a bit years ago when I first released Vampire's Key. I had, probably like many budding authors, hoped that it would be an instant success. It wasn't. It was a slow, slow burn, I gradually received 5 star reviews (thank you all), along with some mid-level 3 star ones (thank you also), but the success, so that I could switch from a dayjob life to a writing life, didn't happen.
Katie's Server
I managed to write a novella (Katie's Server) over the next couple of years, along with the draft of a sequel to Vampire's Key and a few more Femdom Vampire novella's (all in various draft stages).
Sadly, Katie's Server remains an unknown really. The feedback that I have received has told me that it was a good and very hot book, but again that hope for dumping this mundane dayjob life to fully commit to bringing the Sisters of Annis to a wider audience remained elusive.
Vampire's Fire
I was moving into four years since I released Vampire's Key and I was desperate to complete it's sequel, Vampire's Fire, but I was tired of the rewrites and was constantly pushing myself to edit and write and rewrite.
I found myself returning and returning to the same scene in an attempt to drag everything up to a place that I felt was reasonably good, to ensure my descriptions were life like enough, my characters believable and animated, and my sex scenes as hot and as immersive as I could write them.
My primary, and brilliant, beta reader (thank you to her) gave me invaluable feedback showing me where I was going wrong and what was needed. My editor (thanks to her) also provided valuable feedback and gave me a response that the book was hot and well-written and brought the reader into the scenes (which was one of my primary aims). So, after investing in artwork to bring the cover to life, I published Vampire's Fire and then I, as a writer, died.
I Died
I was done. I had exhausted my energy on Vampire's Fire. I had no energy to try promote my new book but the reality is that I was dead before I published my second novel. I was already feeling the lack of interest in my tweets and posts and therefore my writing and that really hurt. Truly it made me angry too. I don't think it is a big thing to like a tweet or post, to show a tiny bit of support for someone, and when you post and post and no one is interested, after a while, it really fucking hurts.
I'd subscribed to the blue mark on X (on a whim and to see what it was like) but as far as I could tell, it did nothing to help me and instead made me feel more and more despondent.
I guess my low self-esteem was just being reflected back at me by the cosmos.
The Burnout Tick List
This morning I decided spontaneously to ask a question on Reddit about why I've come to a full stop in my writing and a very helpful user (thank you) responded that it may not be writer's block but writer's burnout.
I did a little research and discovered that I ticked many boxes.
(thanks to Rachel Rowlands for her article on her website, of which I have paraphrased my answers https://racheljrowlands.com/2021/11/15/how-to-overcome-writers-burnout/ )
Working hard towards a timeline - TICK. I felt that I had to release my sequel as it had been so long since Vampire's Key.
Commitments outside of writing stealing time and energy - TICK. Dayjob and family commitments.
Forcing writing when you don't feel that you have the energy - TICK. Before or after the dayjob I was writing and editing and re-reading day in day out. Add to that an uncomfortable chair (which I am sitting on at the moment).
Spending too long on the same project - TICK. Years (but it is worth it and I am certain that they were not wasted years).
Lack of breaks between projects - TICK. The Sisters of Annis have (aptly) dominated my life for nearly ten years now.
Rejections on your work - TICK. Very low sales + high expenditure/investment and ultimately little interest in many of my tweets or posts. This last one was the final nail for me. It is also the one reason that most massively impacts my hope to return to complete this series. Although I believe I have something incredibly potent here, I am uncertain how to bring it to the world.
Raise the Dead
I don't quite know where I am going next or when I will properly return to writing. I said a while ago that maybe I need a proper writer's death to then return from the grave, to put it poetically, to actually restart and promote properly, be bolder, be braver, to stand more openly by my writing and step fully into what I want to do for the rest of my life. I know I don't want to stay in this fucking dayjob world until I retire or die, but if I am going to change or recover, I need to work out a way forward.
And I guess that is the next part of my story as a writer. Will he turn things around? Or will he just stop completely and disappear never to be heard of again?
Thanks to everyone for your continued support. It really, really, really means a lot to know that my writing has been enjoyed by many readers. That has given me hope that perhaps there is a future for me as a full-time writer.
Bless you all.